Vampires, Schmampires

I get it.  I do.  As a strong, modern, self-assured woman I’m probably not supposed to admit this, but I understand the fantasy of being swept off of my feet.  There’s nothing wrong with a little ravishment now and then.  And I get the allure of the us-against-the-world mentality.  Granted, it made more sense to me when I was sixteen, but who am I to judge.

What I can’t understand is the overabundance of books and TV shows and movies with vampire men and human girls (because, let’s face it, they’re always girls).  These men are old.  They’re killers.  And they are creepy as fuck.  Let’s take this point by point, shall we?

1-These male vampires are total assholes when they first meet the girls that they find absolutely irresistible.  And why are the girls irresistible?  Is it because of their eyes?  Their perfume?  Their astute sense of fashion?  No.  It’s because the vampires want to eat them.  And for some reason these girls find that really fucking sexy.  (Yes, danger can be an aphrodisiac but I doubt any of them would be getting moist in their nethers over Jeffry Dahmer and a date with him would be just as dangerous.)

2-The vampires watch the girls when they sleep.  Now, since the girls don’t know this (because they’re sleeping) it’s up to the audience/reader to swoon over how protective/sweet/romantic he’s being by watching over his beloved, a.k.a. the girl he wants to eat more than any of the other girls, as she sleeps.   It’s not sweet.  It’s fucking creepy.  And stalkery.  Even Buffy had the good sense to be creeped out when Angel was drawing pictures of her in her sleep.  Granted, he was trying to drive her crazy and threatening her friends at the time, but still, she eventually knew where she stood.

3-The girl always gives up her blood to the vampire in some “let me save you” gesture and it’s always treated in the same way: as a loss of virginity.

What I want to know is where are all of the novels/movies about female vampires and teenaged boys?  And I’m not talking camp, because that seems to be the only time this combination is given center stage.  (Once Bitten, Vampire’s Kiss, Christopher Moore’s Bloodsucking Fiends-which is a great book, by the way)

But where’s the serious treatment for this subject?  Where are the hordes of teenaged fanboys falling all over themselves to catch a glimpse of the actress who plays the female vampire at ComicCon?   Or who stand in line all night to buy the next juicy installment of soft-core vampire porn?  And what if it wasn’t even about vampires?  What about the BDSM erotica that has come onto the scene and has housewives everywhere dying to be spanked, especially if they’re blindfolded so that they can pretend that someone other than their husbands is putting them through their paces.

Would it even play if the roles were reversed? Not likely.  Because culturally women are to be ravished and men are to do the ravishing. According to mainstream America, men who want to be dominated by women are the aberration while women are supposed to be submissive and enjoy it.  And again, let me state that I get the fantasy.  I don’t mind a well-written piece of vampiric smut or BDSM.  I’ll take Buffy over Twilight and Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy over the 50 Shades trilogy any day.   It’s just sad that these things are finally part of the mainstream artistic experience and these are the representatives.

I want parity.  Prove me wrong.  Show me mainstream novels/movies that turn the tables and treat the inversion in a serious way.  And even as I say that I picture a teenage boy sleeping in his double size bed while a sexy, morose female vampire watches him sleep.  And then he wakes up.  And he sees her there.  And instead of smiling at her or being curious about her presence he demands, “What the fuck are you doing in here?!”

photo credit: <a href=””>Rena-mit-Cappuccino</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a> <a

One thought on “Vampires, Schmampires”

  1. Well that’s just awesome in about several ways that I can’t quantify. In the end I’m left wondering if I can write that male teen/female vampire ditty you crave and thinking that I’ll click on that Christopher Moore link now and expand my horizons…

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