Vampires, Schmampires

I get it.  I do.  As a strong, modern, self-assured woman I’m probably not supposed to admit this, but I understand the fantasy of being swept off of my feet.  There’s nothing wrong with a little ravishment now and then.  And I get the allure of the us-against-the-world mentality.  Granted, it made more sense to me when I was sixteen, but who am I to judge.

What I can’t understand is the overabundance of books and TV shows and movies with vampire men and human girls (because, let’s face it, they’re always girls).  These men are old.  They’re killers.  And they are creepy as fuck.  Let’s take this point by point, shall we?

1-These male vampires are total assholes when they first meet the girls that they find absolutely irresistible.  And why are the girls irresistible?  Is it because of their eyes?  Their perfume?  Their astute sense of fashion?  No.  It’s because the vampires want to eat them.  And for some reason these girls find that really fucking sexy.  (Yes, danger can be an aphrodisiac but I doubt any of them would be getting moist in their nethers over Jeffry Dahmer and a date with him would be just as dangerous.)

2-The vampires watch the girls when they sleep.  Now, since the girls don’t know this (because they’re sleeping) it’s up to the audience/reader to swoon over how protective/sweet/romantic he’s being by watching over his beloved, a.k.a. the girl he wants to eat more than any of the other girls, as she sleeps.   It’s not sweet.  It’s fucking creepy.  And stalkery.  Even Buffy had the good sense to be creeped out when Angel was drawing pictures of her in her sleep.  Granted, he was trying to drive her crazy and threatening her friends at the time, but still, she eventually knew where she stood.

3-The girl always gives up her blood to the vampire in some “let me save you” gesture and it’s always treated in the same way: as a loss of virginity.

What I want to know is where are all of the novels/movies about female vampires and teenaged boys?  And I’m not talking camp, because that seems to be the only time this combination is given center stage.  (Once Bitten, Vampire’s Kiss, Christopher Moore’s Bloodsucking Fiends-which is a great book, by the way)

But where’s the serious treatment for this subject?  Where are the hordes of teenaged fanboys falling all over themselves to catch a glimpse of the actress who plays the female vampire at ComicCon?   Or who stand in line all night to buy the next juicy installment of soft-core vampire porn?  And what if it wasn’t even about vampires?  What about the BDSM erotica that has come onto the scene and has housewives everywhere dying to be spanked, especially if they’re blindfolded so that they can pretend that someone other than their husbands is putting them through their paces.

Would it even play if the roles were reversed? Not likely.  Because culturally women are to be ravished and men are to do the ravishing. According to mainstream America, men who want to be dominated by women are the aberration while women are supposed to be submissive and enjoy it.  And again, let me state that I get the fantasy.  I don’t mind a well-written piece of vampiric smut or BDSM.  I’ll take Buffy over Twilight and Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy over the 50 Shades trilogy any day.   It’s just sad that these things are finally part of the mainstream artistic experience and these are the representatives.

I want parity.  Prove me wrong.  Show me mainstream novels/movies that turn the tables and treat the inversion in a serious way.  And even as I say that I picture a teenage boy sleeping in his double size bed while a sexy, morose female vampire watches him sleep.  And then he wakes up.  And he sees her there.  And instead of smiling at her or being curious about her presence he demands, “What the fuck are you doing in here?!”

photo credit: <a href=””>Rena-mit-Cappuccino</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a> <a

Thank You, Commenters!

This was not the blog I intended to write this evening.  No, I was going to finally write up the ditty about the Rapscallion Princess that’s been fermenting in my brain for the past week and a half.  Instead, I logged in tonight and was so overwhelmed by all of the comments that I received from my wonderful readers that I decided to take a moment to respond.

All of the comments were regarding my novella, A Garden. (It’s about the garden of Eden.  It’s funny.  It’s probably really offensive to some people. You can find more information on it here.) In fact, I received more comments on my webpage in the past couple of weeks than reviews I’ve received on my novel that’s been out for almost a year.  But hey, I’m just happy that someone is reading something.

So now let me just snuggle up with some vodka (infused by yours truly with cranberries and tangerines, thank you very much), some popcorn (popped in coconut oil because I care about my health) and respond to a few of the comments.

Breast Cosmetic Surgery writes: “This page really has all of the information I wanted concerning this subject and didn’t know who to ask.” 

No problem, BCS!  Glad I could be of service!

Asthma Inhalers writes: “Hey! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back often!”

That’s great!  You know, I have so many projects going on – a new novel coming out in March or April 2014 and a series of novellas being released as a serial at the end of 2014, just to name a few –  that I’m just hoping to be able to post at least once a week.  If I don’t please feel free to take me to task via comment or email and I’ll get right on that.

Lower Back Pain writes: “m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, wonderful site!”

Hello, Carolina! Thank you for your kind words.  I know all about the boredom at work and I know how frustrating it can be when sites don’t load properly on your cell.  I’m so glad my site works well over 3G.  It was one of my original goals, considering I’m an office-worker-by-day myself.

Gluten Allergy writes: “I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You’re amazing! Thanks!”

I don’t know who your cousin I  but I’m glad that he steered you in my direction.  I regret to inform you that I am not your cousin, though I do have several relatives and friends who are currently living the gluten-free lifestyle and loving it.  Best wishes to you and your cousin.  Tell him to leave a comment next time.

Acne Scar Treatment writes: “Wow, this article is good, my younger sister is analyzing these things, so I am going to let know her.”

Hi, AST.  I was slightly confused by your comment. Your younger sister is analyzing the Biblical story of Adam and Eve? Or is she analyzing satirical parodies of the Biblical stories?  It doesn’t really matter either way: the more the merrier.  I’d be happy to discuss anything from theology to fiction-writing – oh, wait, that might be the same thing – with her. writes: “Can I get additional information somewhere else?”

Of course! Just click here to be taken directly to Amazon to purchase the novella.  Though I highly recommend reading A Creation first because if you don’t you might be a little confused by what I’ve done with the characters.  I hope you enjoy and if you do, please leave me a review on Amazon!

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No, thank you!  I’ll definitely look into it.

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It is off topic but what a great story.  Thank you for sharing.  I LOL’d for sure!

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No offense or anything, SC, but I think I’d rather not “connect” with you, if you know that I mean. 

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I don’t think so, FBT.  I don’t think I want any further tips from you, considering it appears that you’ve already hooked up with Skin Cancer.

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I’m not sure what you’re going for here but I’m a little concerned for your well-being.  Self-medication is not the way to go.  There are many wonderful treatment centers out there that can help you with your issues and I encourage you to contact any and all of them.  I wish you the best of luck!

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I think there may be a language barrier at play here, but I’m willing to work through it if you are.  I’m glad you enjoyed the synopsis for my novella.  Please feel free to check out my other brilliant synopses here and here.

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Tee-hee – my section of content is pretty.  Suck it, bitches.  Also, please get some help.  As Mr. Mackey always reminds us, drugs are bad. 

Well, that’s it for tonight.  I do have a story for my Princess but it will have to wait until another day.  It’s time to edit some different words now.

photo credit: geishaboy500 via photopin